


The Sad Ideas That Come To Me When I Am Holding You

by Priestlyislove



Category: I Made America (Web Series)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Constantly projecting my own issues onto John adams, Drinking, Insecurity, Low Self Esteem, M/M, Trust Issues, fradams, just a touch smutty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-27
Updated: 2016-03-27
Packaged: 2018-05-29 11:49:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6373606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Priestlyislove/pseuds/Priestlyislove
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Title is from Obsessions by Marina and the Diamonds because I have been listening to nothing except that song for hours as I wrote this. Anyway, Ben has a single question for John but John has a lot of questions for him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Sad Ideas That Come To Me When I Am Holding You

“If I kissed you, would you be angry with me?”

Ben and John were, for once, alone. The room was bathed in yellow light, contrasting with the dark of the world outside their window. They sat on John’s bed, drinking and talking. All of the talking felt pointless to Ben. That was until he got to the question he had been wanting to ask for longer than he could remember. It was sudden, but it had also been a long time coming.

John glanced at him with confusion, expecting him to withdraw the statement as some joke, but Ben refused to falter. The question did not drive John away. Instead, he smiled a little and let his eyes flicker back down. “I don’t suppose I would ever get angry at you. Not for very long. Why?”

“You know very well why,” Ben laughed a little, but not because anything was funny. It was a nervous laugh, the kind you make when you realize things will never be what you thought they were. “People don’t ask for a kiss for any reason other than wanting one.”

“Will a kiss satisfy that hunger in you? I do not think it would, I do not think _anything_ would. I do not think I can ever make you happy. I do not think I have tried in a long time. I do not see why I should try now.” He spoke slowly and softly, like he was reading off a script.

“Are you always this bitter?” Ben joked, but it didn't feel like a joke. It felt like an accusation.

Now it was John’s turn to laugh humorlessly. “You should know the answer to that by now.”

“Just once,” Ben brought them back to the subject at hand, “just once will be enough to satisfy me for the night.”

John thought about it. “No,” his answer was abrupt. Ben was a bit surprised and a bit annoyed. They had been playing this game for too long, where they would chase and tease each other. Ben thought it just was never the right time. But there was no moment more opportune to try than tonight. All he wanted was to _try_. Even if the sparks disappeared when their lips touched. He just wanted to know.

“What are you so afraid of?”

John hardly hesitated with his answer. He looked him in the eyes and breathed, “Everything.”

Ben put his hand over John’s, leaning in closer. “Let me take away that fear then.”

John pulled away, turning to face the wall. “I have a wife,” he spoke quietly. “I intend on seeing her again. And what we have,” he sighed, “whatever it may be, is not something I’d like to explore. The only thing that could come from it is pain.”

Ben slowly wrapped his arms around him. “I’d rather feel pain than nothing at all. I know we have our differences, but surely we can agree on that.”

John leaned back into his touch. “I don’t know if you want me to answer that. I have felt a lot of pain in my life, Benjamin.”

Ben held him closer, burying his face in his hair. “And if I promise not to hurt you?”

“A promise you cannot keep.”

“If you continue to reject my advances, I’ll have no choice but to give up on you. You cannot expect me to wait around for another century.”

John felt for his hand, lacing their fingers together. He paused. "What would you want us to be, then? What exactly are you waiting for?"

"Anything." He breathed. John let go of his hand and turned in his lap, facing him once again. "Anything at all."

"Just once, then."

"Just once."

John considered him. His gaze was not loving, it burned a hole right through Ben. John reached up a hand to trace his jaw line. He moved his hand up to the base of his wig, slowly pushing it away. Ben sat perfectly still, seemingly afraid that John could still be frightened away. John ran his hand through his short hair. He pulled him into a gentle kiss. Ben kissed back and pulled him into a tighter embrace.

Their world caught aflame instantly.

There may have been a lack of love, but not a lack of passion. They soon found themselves with Ben on top of John, wigs and shirts torn off in a desperate rush. _More_ , they told themselves, _just a little bit more._ They lost themselves in each kiss. John pulled his pants off, stumbling through it in his hurry. Ben follows him in suite. Each kiss made them more wild, their thoughts dissolving to an instinctual need for the warmth of another.

The night faded on, and eventually they slowed down. Their eternity of freedom was torn apart by the reality of the situation. John sat on Ben, both panting. They stared at each other for a long time. Ben still saw the stars in his eyes. John didn't know what he saw. All he knew was he didn’t want to lose it. He started to cry.

“Hey, it's okay,” Ben pulled him into a hug. John’s sobs were muffled by his chest. He spoke soothingly. “I know, I know. I won't leave.”

“I'm sorry, I'm so sorry,” John choked out.

“You haven't done anything wrong. I'm not going anywhere, John. It's okay.”

“I'm a mess,” he whispered.

“No, you're human.”

“You should leave. I-I'm not worth the trouble.”

Ben kissed the top of his head. “Don't say that. Even if you can't trust me yet, that's okay. Because I trust you. I'm not scared of you, I've known you since forever. You've never hurt me.”

“What if I do?” His voice was hardly audible.

Ben sighed. “Our world is filled with ‘what if’s. What if I arrived just a second later? What if she comes back? What if I die tomorrow? Wondering these things just fills us with doubt and insecurity, and that is what will hurt us. I am not scared of getting hurt. Any pain you could cause me is nothing compared to the happiness you give me.”

John sniffed. “This is hardly the time for your philosophies.” He tried to sound annoyed, but Ben could hear the smile on his face.

“I've been told my speeches add to my charm.” He smiled back. “You should get some sleep, you've got a job now. I'll go back to my room.”

John nodded and rolled off him. Ben picked up his discarded clothes and got his pants back on before heading out the door.

“Wait…” He turned and looked back. John looked away. “I just...thanks. You know.”

“I know.” And with that, he was gone. But not gone forever. Knowing that made John sleep a little easier.


End file.
